COMING by Kelly Greenwood

My self-esteem is growing

this thing about sexual healing

this is an awakening

I need to be dancing, I should be swimming

my star is rising

I feel myself coming

deeper moaning again and again

flesh catches fire

my spirit sprouts wings

singes the tips like heat

steady the flight

like riding a bike

you never forget how to walk

when you're running
 

-Kelly Greenwood

ANGER PAIN HURT by Kelly Greenwood

My anger feels like a raging tantrum

brewing like a storm

like I may explode in a sonic BOOM

and innocent bystanders will be injured

if I pull the trigger

if I let the pressure gauge out

even just a little bit

it's like jet fuel

and if I channel it properly

I know it can take me to such great heights

blast me out of the water

My pain has allowed me to turn my anger inwards

to slice my insides up

to look like Zorro has been there

and the bleeding ulcers

the lacerations the bruises

cuts and scars on the inside

have deformed my perceptions

warped this mind I've been given

blocked the opening

when I wanted to scream

sound-proofed the padded room

the dark windowless room

I've been chained up in

and it cycles back to rage

but renders me powerless

My hurt is greater than my worst fear

and the tenderness swollen inside my neck

knocking around in my skull

blistering and burning in my chest

sits on my head like I'm breathing under water

and when my wings have sprouted

they're too wet for me to fly

so I crawl I walk I run

to try and beat the sun to the horizon

'cause when it catches up I know

I'll melt into a puddle and freeze

And this cycle has my tires threadbare

I'm running out of gas in a stolen car

and I just don't feel like

going anywhere but here

right where I belong

in the center of my own universe

I fail to march to orders

that no longer serve me

I'm a repeat offender

waiting for trial to serve my penance

for the self-inflicted harm

these three companions have encouraged

But greater than this

is my desire, my hope and my wisdom

to come out the back end

unharmed as a clean slate

and watch as the scars fade but not disappear

I've earned my striped in this war

and for that I am grateful

that I've lived long enough

to make it this far

the cuts on my arms are proof

I could have killed myself a long time ago

but I felt like I was already too dead to die

sometimes you have to take a running leap

if you wanna learn to fly

 
-Kelly Greenwood

DEVOUR by Kelly Greenwood

Eat me drink me

lick me taste me

bite me suck me

chew me swallow me whole

all the way down

'cause my well is drying out

lay your wetness into me

turn me inside out

I'm reluctant to chase

so hesitant to change

but I'll burst into flames

before I let it go to waste

Heal me burn me

hold me drop me

whatever you do

don't let go of me

incomplete yet whole

a paradox of puzzle pieces

lifting lids painting holes

flames rise

licking my insides

waterlogged from the tension

intense apprehension

a feeling I can't equate with loneliness

some solitude can lead to distress

right now all I'm thinking

is about wanting to undress

Sometimes

I find it hard to trust myself

my naked radar gun is broken

needs to be calibrated

while I'm still thawing out

things are a little blurry

now that the blinders are off

the blindfold has been lifted

my ears ring and pop

tongue feels like sandpaper

from licking the flames

off of your heart

tears poured into buckets like rain

running like legs

trying to catch the last midnight train

I am not here against my own will

yet I still keep trying to find

the source of pain

-KELLY GREENWOOD

ON HOLD WAS I by Elizabeth Hipwell

On hold was I

Trapped in my 5'8.5" physique

Held tight by the pain of my past

Held captive within the confines of fear

This prevented my hungry nature from soaring

To parts unknown that promised exotic adventures

Echoes of a past not half bad,

But not half good

A confusion of creativity

Scratching

Scratching

Scratching

Until it's fingertips drip with hunger and blood

Demanding to be unrestrained

To create

To express

To speak and be heard

A little fair haired

High cheek-boned

Educated lady

Not knowing her own worth

Feeling invisible

Embarrassed for

Needing, wanting and lusting

And having the audacity to say, "I am here!"

It is difficult to plant her large frame

Take up space

In the ground

Growing roots that extend

Through the layers of her existence

Planting new seeds

That takes root in my new found hope, love, and zeal

Idealism reinstated

Sticking with it

Even in the dark night of my soul

Cognizant that a pin light flickered at the end of the tunnel

I am a big woman

Passionate, loving and thoughtful

A tad insecure

Confident, however, that it does get better

The hard part has already happened

I am stronger for it

The risks I take now are easy compared to what I've been through

Having already lost a lot

Current endeavors are less daunting

I am plugged back into life

Not on hold

-Elizabeth Hipwell

MY HALLOWEEN STORY by Margie Taylor

     It is Halloween in the year 1958.  I am 6 years old.  My mom dresses me up as a cat and takes me trick or treating. We go from house to house; we walked 3 blocks first on one side of the street, and then on the other side of the street.  My mom said, “Margie after the last house we will go home. I will make hot chocolate and we will have some cookies.”

     As I come to the last house it is all decorated for Halloween. The lights are dim and howling sounds are coming from all around. There is a carved jack o'lantern that is on the porch all lit up and it looks scary. There is a big webbed spider and a ghost hanging up on the porch and a grave yard on the side of the lawn. As I go up on the porch I have my candy bag opened.  I ring the bell and say trick or treat.

     This lady answered the door.  She too was dressed as a cat.  I looked at her.  I was stunned because she looked just like me but older.  I would say the lady was in her 30's. As I was standing on the porch I could see the inside of the house.  The lady had four children and a husband. The children were sitting in a circle with their Halloween candy on the floor.  As the lady was putting the candy in my bag my mom said, “Margie we have to start going home.”

     The Lady looks at me and said, “Oh my name is Margie too.”

     I opened my mouth wide with a surprised look on my face. As I turned toward my mom the lady said, “Trick or treat this is Halloween in the year of 1982. I am you in the future. Surprise!”

-Margie Taylor                                                                                                                        (October 31st 2012)

THE WHITE COATS by Kathan Murphy

There are deep holes in the gates of my mind. 

Delusions and hallucinations sneaking through; 
Causing me fear and pain. 
Please something help me through. 
Black figures with sticky hands and feet crawling around me and creeping in. 
They are here to take me away. 
I have to fight them! 
But how? 
The thoughts consume me chipping away at my inner soul wearing me down. 
I am sick of fighting. 
The black figures turn into doctors in white coats. 
They tie me down repeating my trauma and stick me with a needle. 
I am no longer a human but an animal barely existing behind locked doors. 
Life is no longer worth living.

-Kathan Murphy

AT THE CRACK OF DAWN by Kathan Murphy

I have never seen the crack of dawn.

My meds make me sleep too long.

My sheets and blankets are so warm I could sleep through a party at a loud college dorm.

Clozaril is my nightmare best friend but my madness is on the mend.

I am strong but unfortunately sick.

I try hard to make the best of it.

This illness is tough but I am tougher.

One day I would like to take a job offer.

People said that I would never leave the hospital but I proved them wrong.

No one is allowed to right the lyrics of my song.

I left Massachusetts to start a new life.

Maybe here I will make a good mother or wife.

Moving to Chicago was the right choice.

Here is where I will find my own voice.

 

                                                                                           -Kathan Murphy