My Invisible Suicide by Sharon Horton

I'm not really here
I'm not really alive
So, all the concern about
how I go out- makes no difference
none at all.
Why? you ask,
Because of the truth
the Invisible fact
that I actually died
killed myself in 2003
I know, Hard to Believe..
But Yeah- I'm Dead,
Okay, not technically, but
might as well have
shot myself in the head-
I kinda did..
That One day, One decision,
ONE SINGLE ACT
where I ignored the facts,
my grandmother, my mother,
breast cancer galore and
there were probably more
but I sat there in that office and
chose to keep my breasts
when I should have screamed
"TAKE THEM BOTH!!",
keeping them- sealed my death-
that's where the disease came back
before it  partied all over
Sharontown.
Back then, no one
screamed "Don't kill yourself!"
as I was trying to decide, No,
it was my body, my choice,
No one rushed in to stop me
and my suicidal tendencies, and
no one questioned whether
or not
I was thinking clearly.
Had the surgery- Lumpectomy
awoke with
my breasts- mostly all there, but
the truth , the truth is
that I was dead right then.
So, all in all,
I don't look too bad
for a corpse of nine years.

Sharon H.

DO NOT EXPECT A REFERENCE by Elizabeth Hipwell

Dear So and So:

This is to inform you that your services are no longer needed.

I am happier than I have been in a long time.

I just want to let you know that that is "in spite" of what you did to me. You hurt me so deeply that I thought I was unworthy of anything good that life had to offer; that I was an easily discarded piece of trash. 

As a result, I have gone through years, yes years, of being lost; believing I was destined to always be alone...to die in a one room bed bug infested apartment, not being found until the odor wafted under the door into the hallway.

When you, So and So, hurt me you may have received less than a minute of gratification, but you gave me a life time of sorrow. Going through this has permeated my self-esteem, affected my physical relationships ...all in all it has rocked me to my very foundation.

I am furious that you had the audacity to treat me like I was worthless and over the years I have used myself as your proxy punching bag. You know what? I finally got sick of it. 

I had to ask myself, "Why am I carrying this relay wand of abuse for So and So?" 

I want to inform you that that wand has been retired, burned and buried and the Earth has been salted. 

Pack up your belongings, and don't forget to take the shame and guilt with you. They have no place in this next stage of development.

You will not have power over me anymore.

Do not expect a reference.

With No Regret,

Elizabeth Hipwell

YOU SAID by Tanjila Pettis

You said that I am not a man,

A woman can’t do what a man can.

So, why do you want me?

We have nothing in common.

I don’t enjoy calling women bitches,

I would never forget my woman over sports.

You said that a man is what every woman wants.

Well, I’m a woman and I don’t want a man,

I don’t want you.

I don’t want to be walked over, overlooked, played with,

Or lied to.

You said that I would never accomplish up to anything,

Which is not true.

I feel ten times as strong as when I was with you,

Killing my soul.

So know that when you turn around

I won’t be there,

And you women!

Said that that what you truly needed was a real man,

Why was it that when he was beating you

It was me you were running to?

You said that a girl like me wasn’t even your type.

Now, three kids later, and a divorce, you now realize that you’re a dyke.

Where were you at when I needed your air to breathe?

Where were you at when my tears burned a hole into my soul?

Emptiness was the kiss I always tasted

Knowing that they were not your lips.

So I moved on.

You said that I wasn’t worth paying attention to,

But you paid plenty of attention to me when it involved loot.

You’re a grown woman and I’m just a little girl.

Too bad you didn’t hang around to find 

That I would stop the world.

For these are not just promises.

I believe whatever you told me

Because you said I was the only one you wanted.

But now I see.

I can never be him, and you will never love me,

No not like the way I wish you would,

So I’ve deadened all the emotions I had

So that you would be gone for good.

To both I hope you’re happy for real.

Because a friend to him and a lover to you is something you’ll never feel,

No, not any more.

Remember next time not to judge,

Because I remember what you said.

-Tanjila Pettis

SYNCING by Elizabeth Hipwell

We had each others back

Syncing around in circles

Sometimes breaking away

To be swooped up to another sphere

Completing the thought

Moving beyond the edge

To be included once more.

 

 

-Elizabeth Hipwell

BUCKET OF SHAME by Elizabeth Hipwell

They made it easier

Standing in a bucket of shame

To be washed of all their negativity

And born anew to a

Trowel of meaning

Sharing in a group

Our insides

Made complete and safe.

 

 

-Elizabeth Hipwell

TO NOT LOVE by Tanjila Pettis

Forgiveness is supposed to be a traditional blessing,

Filling all the emptiness of a once loved heart,

Contradictory as it may seem.

Who are we to say that I or you have the right?

No power to perform such immaturity.

Is not a lie the buying of a conversation?

Even if the conversation ends in betrayal.

For bad would not know what it is without good.

Up would not know its direction without down.

Is the punishment not just,

Even if the lesson is never learned.

One shall never truly know, 

For not knowing might be the very perfection

Of which its deceit is born.

If life gave one every answer to one’s questions,

What would be the reason to finding out what life truly is?

Today I awoke with a mischievous mind,

And fate directed or was it my belief 

The nerves which flowed through this questionable,

But hollow house.

For note that this is only my theory of space.

Touches of inadequacy pleases the desires of content

To be desirable of course.

Equal yet different, but yet the same.

Same but lost in communication.

Innocence cannot judge 

For judgment isn’t made by one who is noble,

But by one who knows how to truly forgive.

May no tear shed without notice.

No touch felt without passion.

No words without meaning,

Be your reason to not love. 

-Tanjila Pettis

Scars by Sharon Horton

By Sharon H.

"Your truth may not look like mine, but that is not what
   matters. What matters is this:
   You can look at a scar and see hurt, or you can look
    at a scar and see healing.
    Try to understand."