HOLDING HOPE by Sharon Horton

Hope                          
Wish
Desire
with the possibility
of being?
in my reality-
just wasn't to be.
Not as a child
not in my life,
it was about
getting through the moment
my focus- survival
no room for such a word
that was beyond foreign1
Survival instinctive
no expecting, wishing, wanting-
but like a deer frozen
trying to avoid that which
wants to destroy me
Reactive, instinctive response
without thought process.

Only now
is there possibility
of a word, an idea- such as Hope.
Carefully, I hold a glimmer
allow myself to be in its light,
and even while I do this
my child part tries desperately
to push it away.
To her- survival means we cannot hope
I am another adult risking
her survival
A betrayer
she does not understand
that to be alive-
really alive-
we must be able to move beyond
just surviving.
That life can also allow us
to be happy, to risk for better,
In her mind- life is life
there is no changing the bad
and words like happiness
growth
they mean risk
beyond reach
they cause fear- core deep.
It has taken us so long
to survive
to feel safe
to trust anyone again,
now, in her eyes,
I endanger,
I betray!

She see's collapse
where I see chance,
choosing the unknown
over safety
makes no sense to my
child self,
Yet I know
It is a must- for both of us!

We are at a standoff
and like every adult
she's ever known
I have the power over her.
She's left with her fear,
No words I speak
can make her believe that
it will be okay-
and I have no guarantees
except that I
Hold Hope
for the both of us.
-Sharon H.