BUDDHIST EXPERIENCE by Elizabeth Hipwell

           For as long as I can remember, and even up until this moment I have struggled with being happy. I have always been my greatest barrier to the joy that life has to offer. Consequently, I have struggled with dysfunctional relationships, abamdonment, the loss of both my parents, more than one sexual trauma, an eating disorder of overeating, suicidal ideation and attempts, loneliness, and debilitating depression with bipolar affect. Up until 2003 I thought that was my karma; that I could function and get through life without seeking help or inner change.  In that year I finally crumbled under the weight of that burden. I ended up in the hospital; my first time in a psyche ward. I lost a great amount of my friends. It was scary.

I felt splintered; like a puzzle that had to be put back together. I thought just taking my medication would make it all better. Six psyche stays later I realized that I had to participate with the meds to bring about change in my life. I took therapy more seriously and learned about boundaries, navigating healthy relationships and discovered a passion and yearning for creative pursuits. This made a difference. It enabled me to occupy my mind and develop more self-respect. I was able to pursue more physical health as well.

Another facet to my well-being was missing though. Mental health, check. Physical health, check. Spiritual health, not quite yet. I noticed during this ordeal that every time I concentrated and gave over my faith that things would be okay that they inevitably would be. This faith was inconsistent though. I needed a spiritual tool to focus my faith and trust. Fast forward to about two years ago:  I was in an art group and noticed one of the new participants, Therese Burton. My first impression was that she was happy and confident in her abilities. Lizzie sanchoshima whispered in my ear and said, “You are not worthy of being her friend, so don’t even try.” As fate would have it, about six months later we did end up being friends, and I discovered that we had a lot in common.

I brought up my interest in Buddhism about a month in to our budding friendship and from there on my life completely changed. I received my Gohonzon on March 4, 2012 after struggling with whether I was worthy again and whether I would be the ideal Buddhist. Then I remembered a Buddhist quote of Shakyamuni Buddha that I have on a magnet on my refrigerator, “A jug fills drop by drop.”  Then I reminded myself that this essentially was a commitment to me and my desire to have what I thought was out of reach: healthy relationships, companionship, overall health (physical, mental and spiritual) and a life’s purpose, a desire to live and flourish.

Shortly after receiving my Gohonzon I was asked to help form a writer’s workshop, Silent Voices, by Sheri. I had known her awhile in an art group and this enabled us to become real friends and eventually partners in every way. The workshop and the relationship took off. Silent Voices endeavored to self-publish an anthology which led to an art show fundraiser in November. We even had an article written about us in The Tribune.

Drop by drop also included challenges as I came to discover. Literally two weeks after the art show a peer devastated me by blindsiding me with accusations in front of a group of people.  Later that day my roommate at the time came from left field and kicked me out. My ego took a big bruising. My faith in myself wavered. So I did the opposite of what my old patterns were. I got down to business, I showed appreciation to all the friends that aided me in this crisis, and I made a cause to endure. This made me think of one of the Buddhist readings I had come across. I think it was THE FOUR DEPTS OF GRATITUDE. In it Nichiren Daishonin says, “C ONCERNING my present exile, there are two important matters that I must mention. One is that I feel immense joy. The reason is that this world is called the saha world, saha meaning endurance. This is why the Buddha is also called “One Who Can Endure.’”

I chose to keep going, to have faith. Sheri and I found an apartment in January and it went beyond my expectations and at a lower price than we were set on paying, larger than we expected. Everything that I pictured when I was chanting came true with a lot of extras thrown in. When we moved in we only had a few shelves and a bed. In one and a half months we have practically furnished our apartment through inexpensive and free finds on Craigslist, and generous donations from friends.

Coming here to speak with you today I realize that every day I have to overcome myself; that that is my victory every moment. When I chant I feel more secure and comfortable in attaining happiness; that I am worthy. To be truthful I almost lost my faith in putting this experience together. I spoke with my sponsor and good friend Therese and she reminded me that this Buddhism is a tool that aids me in tapping into my inner wisdom. ‘Just be truthful,’ I thought to myself. ‘Speak your truth and everything will be okay.’ Walking by my fridge last night I read another Shakyamuni Buddha quote, “He is able who thinks he is able.” This is my cause for the present and future. This is the karma I want for myself and for all of you: Believe in yourself. Commit to your happiness. This can bring about a karmic shift of momentous proportions.

Note: I am by no means trying to recruit anyone to have the same spiritual belief. It is just my own personal experience and what works for me. Thanks for reading!

-Elizabeth Hipwell