WHAT DOES YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS SAY TO YOU? By Elizabeth Hipwell

I scratch you, I twist, harder, that’s it, I claw your guts out, I press, I stomp, with precision. I know exactly where to strike… I keep going until your heart is beating so fast, it feels like it’s going to burst, explode… I’m gonna drag you down, down, down until you can’t walk, can’t get up out of bed…
You’ll only find relief in sleep…when you can get it.
I’m going to torment you so much with horrific visions, bad things, trauma, yelling, touching, hitting, biting, kicking anger and so on and so forth…
It’s gonna race through you so you can’t sleep through the night or at all. You will drift through a fog throughout the day.
am going to do this so you will always feel alone on the side of the highway while everything passes you by. No one will be able to stand you. You will burn bridges and I will supply the matches and gasoline. Your awkwardness and slow timing with alienate. Then Without warning I am gonna flip a switch. I am going to make you feel like superwoman. For seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and sometimes even months you will be an unstoppable Whirling Dervish; a Tasmanian Devil of productivity. You will be going so fast that the words trip over one another, you will be off balance. You can’t win. Now people will avoid you because of your flibberty jibetness…
“I hate you? You are so ugly. You’re a loser. You feel good about yourself. I am going to take you down a few pegs.” That is what I am going to say at an opportune time when your confidence is at a high. The greater the fall will be into the depths of despair. Happiness will be dangled in front of you like a carrot.
“So, you think you’re so great? Huh? I’ll show you, you worthless piece of…”
“Stop it! I don’t need this. Who appointed you to take over where the abusers left off? Even though you mistreat me all I want to do is say ‘I love you. I understand why you are so mean and cruel. You’re insecure, damaged goods. I’m here for you when you’re ready…’”
“What? Who are you to love me? You don’t have it in you. You are a worthless waste of space, pointless...” “I am so done with this. Leave me alone. I’m tired. I’m tired of saying I’m sorry all the time. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of struggling. How long can you keep this up?” “I know I’m right…”
“That’s your opinion. I choose not to believe you right now. I am feeling good for the first time in years.” You see that’s my opening. I’m gonna pick a little bit at a time. I’m patient. I cannot wait for it; the chance to insinuate myself. You’re going to trip. I will say “Wow, you are klutzy; probably cuz you’re so fat.” Someone looks at you funny when you say something, now that is a wide gap, I’ll slide right in.
I will say, “You wear your crazy like a neon sign. You are never going to fit it. Just get up, I mean give up, hey me, you are flustering me, what’s going on?”
“I am strong BECAUSE of my pain. I have a unique perspective that is all mine. I don’t have to fit in. I am accepting, flexible, loving imperfection.
“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
“You cannot get to me. I won’t let you. I haven’t even had my cereal yet. These early morning conversations are not my favorite part of the day. I crave peace, ok-ness, calm…”
“Ok, fine, I will give you a break, ease up…a little. I am always here, you know; ready to pounce. I’m patient. I’ve got all day.”