SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF by Elizabeth Hipwell

SHOCK & DENIAL

What?

....wha....

...is...you...

I ring up

You won't answer

Wha...t did I do wrong?

....why...am I being shut...out?

I...I...I...I am not a monster

This cannot be ha...

So much to dfo

All by myself

No help from her cuz she can't cope

She's fragile

My friends help

Her Parents help

I dig down and go into survival mode

I am fragile but I don't have the luxury to quit and collapse

I have a hard time coping but my friend keeps me from destroying her stuff and coaches me to pack it well when all I want to do is throw it in the closet willy nilly

A thick swollen tongue 

Constant anxiety

My doctor gives me medicatin to help
I can't talk clearly for a week
Maybe this is a dream
My legs shake uncontrollably

I can't eat

I spend Christmas in the bathtub contemplating suicide with a blade in my  hand
I can't keep my limbs still for yet another week
Maybe this is a nightmare
The crying literally hurts  for all three weeks
My sinuses ache
When will I wake up?

I overdose on my anxiety meds
I pass out on top of disassembled shelving
Disassembled shelving is on top of me

Needless to say, I am not handling this with class, grace or dignity

Not my finest hour
This can't be really happening

PAIN & GUILT
The pain flows
Staining everything I touch
What did I do to deserve to be thrown away like a piece of trash?
I slash
I crash
I howl
I sort through my bad behavior
Why didn't I see this coming?
I shiver
I lash
I slash
Maybe a crazy person like me deserves this
I have to sort through things 

Pictures

Loves poem

All ripping up my soul

I delete the pictures & poems online

Rip up what I can

It still doeesn't erase the permanent stain on my heart

Constant reminders of other times
I can't wait for the reprieve of sleep

Endless sleep
What did I do wrong?

ANGER & BARGAINING
I wish I'd never met that bitch
She betrayed my trust
I didn't deserve to be treated this way
She is so fucking selfish
When she decided to break up with me by text and phone 

without even facing me 

(we lived together for Gods sake!)

she was only thinking of herself.

She said she was fragile.
Aw. Poor baby.
In this whole damn situation everyone has had to take her mental illness under consideration. 

Well you know what? 

What about mine? 

What about me? 

I'm tired of everyone thinking I don't need anything because I seem so strong. 

I'm so pissed. 

All her phony cheerleader text messages.
"Proud of you. 

Love you. 

You're doing great. 

Thank you. 

You're a great woman. 

Maybe we can be friends one day."
What's that for?
Her ego.
It's just words.
Her words mean nothing.
Action means everything.
In this situation her action has been shit...meaningless...she did nothing in this situation to help me.
Does she think her parents helping me was her helping?
No.
Not to me.
It was all them.
She did shit.
Everything as always has revolved around her.
I don't want to bargain because I've come to realize that this is not a relationship I want back.
I hate that she's so damn pleased that I packed her stuff well and gave her extra stuff.
It wasn't extra.
It was her share.
No special treatment dummy.
So no celebrating.
She paid for that stuff.
She did nothing.
She is nothing.
That's why her love was nothing.

"Don't let a coward touch your heart 

for they will break it with their lie of love."

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
I think I've had spurts of depression and loneliness since December 8th when I was abandoned. 

That's my worst fear and it happened. I've been lonely in the coping, but interestingly enough, not lonely for her. Being with her was lonely.

I've been reflecting back on the relationship and realize I really didn't get much from her emotionally, and as a result I think I stopped trying. 

I stopped seeing her as magical. 

The relationship was dying before it died. In truth, I think it never began because she never let me in.

I stayed longer than I should have and in hindsight my well-being should have been the priority. 

I was done a big favor by being broken up with. It took an albatross from around my neck. 

I'm greatful to not have to be taking care of her anymore. 

It wasn't fun. 

But there was a point to my life.

Who am I kidding? 

I was pretty depressed through most of that relationship; it felt so lonely.

Right now I feel like I exist just to exist. There's no joy, no warmth, no love.. well, there wasn't much before either and to me that's just pathetically sad. 

I want more than this.

I'm sick of watching so much tv.

I thought I was doing pretty good for a few days and this morning I woke up feeling extremely sad, queasy, questioning my reactions to everything. Did I have a right to be angry? It was and it is just so hard to have compassion for her point of view when I was kept in the dark; all I've known is my own pain & heartbreak. I am really trying to find closure on my own since I will never get it from her. It's just so hard to find a place to start. All I can do is try to recognize my personal responsibility in my pain. That I can control. I don't think she will ever make an ammend to me, my boss said she might, but I don't think she believes she did anything wrong. In her mind she was taking care of herself; no thought to collateral damage because her feelings and problems are more important. I bring that up in this section because it doesn't make me angry, it makes me extemely sad to the marrow of my bones. To be honest, all I wanted was an honest face to face explanation with the respect that our two and a half year committed relationship deserved. The way it was done made it seem as if all of it meant nothing and that makes me inconsolable...so sad.

It makes me question if she ever loved me at all. 

If it was all a big lie.

That's the pain I've been going through; why I wake up every morning with a queasy stomach...what I picture as trapped pain...well, at least I've lost 17 lbs....I am not comfortable with being angry and vengeful and lashing out. 

It's not who I am.

I just don't want to be nice to her, cuz I feel like it's another thing I'm giving away to her without getting anything in return but a cold, "Thanks. Take care of yourself." 

I don't think she means it when she writes it.  

I guess the fact that all the communication having been impersonal by text & email is really what is hurtful and meaningless to me.

It hurts so much...It makes me feel like I don't matter.

I know it's up to me to make myself feel like I matter; this just put me in a vulnerable position.

I hate admitting to it, but I did love her. That's why the hate and anger are so strong. 

I feel betrayed. 

I feel like it was all a lie on her part. 

I feel sabotaged and I need to drop her relay baton by not sabotaging myself.

"You become what you dwell on."

THE UPWARD TURN
Not there yet, but I am starting a new job next week as a pet nanny to three sweet Havenese doggies. I'm looking forward to it. I also have a creative endeavor I'm looking forward to next week as well. 

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
I've been rethinking my approach to my life and I realize that the missing components are meaning, hope and purpose. I know it sounds hokey: I did read it somewhere, but it really made clear what I was missing. It articulated what I want my objective to be right now.   

I want passion. Right now just taking care of basic needs is reconstructive; showing up and not letting myself down. 

In terms of the grieving I'm just letting myself feel it; not holding back. I know I've made some missteps along the way, but what's done is done. I don't know if I am able to forgive anytime soon, but I am hoping to move on. If and when I do forgive I know it would be for me and my own peace, so that is a goal. Let it go!

There is a word for what I was in that relationship. Co-dependent. I need to look at that...the why's & how's & what's, etc... that, I think I can process, that, I think I can integrate into my new life.

Time to set healthy boundaries...

Time to date Elizabeth...

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
I accept one small chapter is over. I accept that life is now

full of endless possibilities. I believe if I listen to my heart and my gut the sky is the limit. I begin to build new boundaries, to be ok with putting myself first.

I can finally say I have achieved indifference; which to me means being uncluttered by grief & the remnants of love. It's freedom.  Everything is possible.

by Elizabeth Hipwell