SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF by Elizabeth Hipwell

SHOCK & DENIAL

What?

....wha....

...is...you...

I ring up

You won't answer

Wha...t did I do wrong?

....why...am I being shut...out?

I...I...I...I am not a monster

This cannot be ha...

So much to dfo

All by myself

No help from her cuz she can't cope

She's fragile

My friends help

Her Parents help

I dig down and go into survival mode

I am fragile but I don't have the luxury to quit and collapse

I have a hard time coping but my friend keeps me from destroying her stuff and coaches me to pack it well when all I want to do is throw it in the closet willy nilly

A thick swollen tongue 

Constant anxiety

My doctor gives me medicatin to help
I can't talk clearly for a week
Maybe this is a dream
My legs shake uncontrollably

I can't eat

I spend Christmas in the bathtub contemplating suicide with a blade in my  hand
I can't keep my limbs still for yet another week
Maybe this is a nightmare
The crying literally hurts  for all three weeks
My sinuses ache
When will I wake up?

I overdose on my anxiety meds
I pass out on top of disassembled shelving
Disassembled shelving is on top of me

Needless to say, I am not handling this with class, grace or dignity

Not my finest hour
This can't be really happening

PAIN & GUILT
The pain flows
Staining everything I touch
What did I do to deserve to be thrown away like a piece of trash?
I slash
I crash
I howl
I sort through my bad behavior
Why didn't I see this coming?
I shiver
I lash
I slash
Maybe a crazy person like me deserves this
I have to sort through things 

Pictures

Loves poem

All ripping up my soul

I delete the pictures & poems online

Rip up what I can

It still doeesn't erase the permanent stain on my heart

Constant reminders of other times
I can't wait for the reprieve of sleep

Endless sleep
What did I do wrong?

ANGER & BARGAINING
I wish I'd never met that bitch
She betrayed my trust
I didn't deserve to be treated this way
She is so fucking selfish
When she decided to break up with me by text and phone 

without even facing me 

(we lived together for Gods sake!)

she was only thinking of herself.

She said she was fragile.
Aw. Poor baby.
In this whole damn situation everyone has had to take her mental illness under consideration. 

Well you know what? 

What about mine? 

What about me? 

I'm tired of everyone thinking I don't need anything because I seem so strong. 

I'm so pissed. 

All her phony cheerleader text messages.
"Proud of you. 

Love you. 

You're doing great. 

Thank you. 

You're a great woman. 

Maybe we can be friends one day."
What's that for?
Her ego.
It's just words.
Her words mean nothing.
Action means everything.
In this situation her action has been shit...meaningless...she did nothing in this situation to help me.
Does she think her parents helping me was her helping?
No.
Not to me.
It was all them.
She did shit.
Everything as always has revolved around her.
I don't want to bargain because I've come to realize that this is not a relationship I want back.
I hate that she's so damn pleased that I packed her stuff well and gave her extra stuff.
It wasn't extra.
It was her share.
No special treatment dummy.
So no celebrating.
She paid for that stuff.
She did nothing.
She is nothing.
That's why her love was nothing.

"Don't let a coward touch your heart 

for they will break it with their lie of love."

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
I think I've had spurts of depression and loneliness since December 8th when I was abandoned. 

That's my worst fear and it happened. I've been lonely in the coping, but interestingly enough, not lonely for her. Being with her was lonely.

I've been reflecting back on the relationship and realize I really didn't get much from her emotionally, and as a result I think I stopped trying. 

I stopped seeing her as magical. 

The relationship was dying before it died. In truth, I think it never began because she never let me in.

I stayed longer than I should have and in hindsight my well-being should have been the priority. 

I was done a big favor by being broken up with. It took an albatross from around my neck. 

I'm greatful to not have to be taking care of her anymore. 

It wasn't fun. 

But there was a point to my life.

Who am I kidding? 

I was pretty depressed through most of that relationship; it felt so lonely.

Right now I feel like I exist just to exist. There's no joy, no warmth, no love.. well, there wasn't much before either and to me that's just pathetically sad. 

I want more than this.

I'm sick of watching so much tv.

I thought I was doing pretty good for a few days and this morning I woke up feeling extremely sad, queasy, questioning my reactions to everything. Did I have a right to be angry? It was and it is just so hard to have compassion for her point of view when I was kept in the dark; all I've known is my own pain & heartbreak. I am really trying to find closure on my own since I will never get it from her. It's just so hard to find a place to start. All I can do is try to recognize my personal responsibility in my pain. That I can control. I don't think she will ever make an ammend to me, my boss said she might, but I don't think she believes she did anything wrong. In her mind she was taking care of herself; no thought to collateral damage because her feelings and problems are more important. I bring that up in this section because it doesn't make me angry, it makes me extemely sad to the marrow of my bones. To be honest, all I wanted was an honest face to face explanation with the respect that our two and a half year committed relationship deserved. The way it was done made it seem as if all of it meant nothing and that makes me inconsolable...so sad.

It makes me question if she ever loved me at all. 

If it was all a big lie.

That's the pain I've been going through; why I wake up every morning with a queasy stomach...what I picture as trapped pain...well, at least I've lost 17 lbs....I am not comfortable with being angry and vengeful and lashing out. 

It's not who I am.

I just don't want to be nice to her, cuz I feel like it's another thing I'm giving away to her without getting anything in return but a cold, "Thanks. Take care of yourself." 

I don't think she means it when she writes it.  

I guess the fact that all the communication having been impersonal by text & email is really what is hurtful and meaningless to me.

It hurts so much...It makes me feel like I don't matter.

I know it's up to me to make myself feel like I matter; this just put me in a vulnerable position.

I hate admitting to it, but I did love her. That's why the hate and anger are so strong. 

I feel betrayed. 

I feel like it was all a lie on her part. 

I feel sabotaged and I need to drop her relay baton by not sabotaging myself.

"You become what you dwell on."

THE UPWARD TURN
Not there yet, but I am starting a new job next week as a pet nanny to three sweet Havenese doggies. I'm looking forward to it. I also have a creative endeavor I'm looking forward to next week as well. 

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
I've been rethinking my approach to my life and I realize that the missing components are meaning, hope and purpose. I know it sounds hokey: I did read it somewhere, but it really made clear what I was missing. It articulated what I want my objective to be right now.   

I want passion. Right now just taking care of basic needs is reconstructive; showing up and not letting myself down. 

In terms of the grieving I'm just letting myself feel it; not holding back. I know I've made some missteps along the way, but what's done is done. I don't know if I am able to forgive anytime soon, but I am hoping to move on. If and when I do forgive I know it would be for me and my own peace, so that is a goal. Let it go!

There is a word for what I was in that relationship. Co-dependent. I need to look at that...the why's & how's & what's, etc... that, I think I can process, that, I think I can integrate into my new life.

Time to set healthy boundaries...

Time to date Elizabeth...

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
I accept one small chapter is over. I accept that life is now

full of endless possibilities. I believe if I listen to my heart and my gut the sky is the limit. I begin to build new boundaries, to be ok with putting myself first.

I can finally say I have achieved indifference; which to me means being uncluttered by grief & the remnants of love. It's freedom.  Everything is possible.

by Elizabeth Hipwell

NOTICE OF EVICTION By Elizabeth Hipwell

This is an order to inform you that you are hereby evicted from this property. 

Due to the fact that the rules of occupation have been betrayed and abused in this dwelling, my head, a sacred place, a place to be regarded. 

I do not regret to inform you that you must vacate the premises as soon as possible. 

Your occupation of this space is bringing the owner immense amounts of pain and anguish to the point where she doesn't recognize herself. 

Your lack of care and sensitivity has caused much traumatic damage and sorrow; she has been prone to many physical ailments.

 In order to avoid any further structural damage you must clear the property and not return.  

Take your lies, your selfishness, your broken promises and your lack of follow through with you when you leave. 

A clear space, unhindered, is  needed in order to heal and make room for more suitable occupantion in the future. 

Okay.

Take care.

LOVE IS (Revised) by Elizabeth Hipwell

Love is...

Confounding
(You broke up with me by text message and by phone)
Surprising
(You never even faced me in person
You were that weak)

Disappointing
(You took the pets away when I wasn't home, not letting me even say goodbye to them
One can be invested in a person who is not worth it)

And sometimes makes no sense
It cannot be planned 
It creeps up on you
And is often 
Far from what the fairy tales tell us

(Often one-sided, 
You did say you hadn't wanted to be there for me when I had my TWO surgeries,
Even though I was there for you through all SIX of your hospitalizations, ECT and other medical appointments and your strep throat ER visit

Chock full of betrayal and emotional rape)

It's like a twisted vine that curls infinitely
Caressing with tenderness
Infiltrating with it's sharp thorns and idiosyncrasies
As I get to know loves curves,
Cubbyholes and corridors
It can be overwhelming
Its many hidden passageways
Lead to unknown territory
It grows in unexpected directions
Which cannot be foreseen or controlled

(I wish I had foreseen the sociopaths lack of love  
The person who is the subject of this poem)
Love sees the imperfections
Relishes them

(Naively overlooks them because hope springs eternal)
Accepts them
Celebrates them
Love is confusing and scary
A risk

(One that was a waste of my time & love) 
I often want to scoot away from it

(Why didn't I listen to that voice that said, "She is bad news and all about herself." )
Avoid it
Put on the pounds to keep it at bay
Protect myself from the inevitable hurt

(You know, I am happy with who I am now. 
The pain is just too much to bear.) 
Then why do I get giddy at its possibility?

(Because I am too trusting.

I'm a stupid romantic)

Someones eyes
Really seeing them
(Who knows if that's the real person) 

Them really seeing me

(She never really saw me after all 

just what I could do for her)
Trusting them

(What a mistake that was) 
Trusting me
Love makes it hard to think straight and maintain my autonomy

(I wasn't too good at that) 
Loosen the control
Let down the armor
Let in the messiness of love...

(Maybe not. Maybe not in the foreseeable future.
She was not worthwhile)
-Elizabeth Hipwell

Beginnings in media res

1. As I slowly disappeared in my tardy shrink’s waiting room, my eyes continually landed on a “Disaster Plan” flyer. It sported a mere ambulance picture with no emergency numbers, and loomed over a choking emergency chart. I puzzled how I would stop choking on my self-destructive thoughts and escape the disaster that was my expectant 54-year torturous life span. 
2. John slipped the umpteenth millionth resume envelope into the building’s rusty mail slot. The slot creaked emphatically and digested his last stamp from the month-old full roll. It gulped his current request for work. 
3. The narrower she focused, her sight increased. Her faded vision opened a panorama, concentrated vistas that revealed persevering patches in the kaleidoscopic quilt of her personal experiences. 
4.  “I’m sitting here because I don’t feel well,” the bundled, ruddy-faced woman declared to the guy entering the elevator. 
5. Bullet-riddled war fields and stark-uniformed troops littered inner city streets in Al Qaeda-occupied counties. Both insurgencies bore similar dressings; nobody could win. The president called his war-mongered cabinet to divine a graceful withdrawal from drug-torn, poverty-infested Middle-Eastern landscapes. 
6. She slipped and boomed back-flat on a sheet-ice bed; her son laughed at her. She told her neighbor that, no, in fact, she was not all right. The neighbor said, “Oh, okay,” and abruptly relocked her door. 
7. Acrid urine fumes and soiled dishwater stench reeked throughout her apartment; clean and dirty laundry heaps littered the hallway; and three boxes of unopened mail enveloped table tops and open floor spaces. She wept a little, turned on her side, and fell asleep while her TV shattered silence. 
8. At Christmas dinner, she could not ignore the beatific cherubic faces that shone from her cousins’ faces. She remembered when holiday magic enlightened her countenance, but now joy materialized in a second-person voice. She lost her first-person voice after parenthood emerged. 
9. Her stroke produced picture images instead of colorless words, providing the new wrinkle of more entertaining thoughts that seemed to obscure communication. At least, that’s what she believed. 
10. Coming home to her struck mother, who could not longer talk or walk, seemed insanely awkward. More to the point, she couldn’t stay with her Mom because the 24-hour nurse occupied the guest bedroom. She felt prematurely stripped of her inheritance.

WITHOUT EMOTION By Kathy Powers

In the land of static dark and light,

only shadow moved. Reproaching whispers

unsuccessfully attempted to control shadows’ actions.

Infinite shadows followed light,

hid in dark, remained deaf and mute

to the prodding prompts. Anxiety,

the country’s name, existed in

circular paranoia. Only shadow dodging

purposed the population, endlessly 

running from undefined fear.

In fact, purpose had no purpose.

Until after millennia of shadow play:

sun introduced colors , colors begot growth,

growth welcomed choice, and

shadows textured the existence palette.

Then there was music, cacophony and language.

With so many varied entities, structures formed

to organize and repress behavioral expansion,

lest pandemonium arise and destroy the new tableau.

These structures resembled the whispers that

tried to influence before-shadows, 

with the same unproductive effect.

When a big bang erupted, the world of dark,

light and shadow reformed. And so, 

life resumed, repeating endlessly, 

with unfeeling entities performing their

unknown meanings of haphazard existence.

I FELL By Kathy Powers

I shine,
Feels fine,
Don’t pine
Just shine.

I glow
And flow
To show
No woe.

SUMMERTIME By Kathy Powers

Summer, a quarter timepiece,
A sticky, sweet section
Of low energy and high temperature.

In Chicago, dog-breath afternoons
With Michigan’s blustery, cooling breezes
Energizes colorful night lie, and,
Intimate conversations and loving embraces.

Summertime, a the time to dodge gang bullets
With an ice cream cone in hand
Chicago, a city of life-guarded beach-scape's.
With children digging water holes
Their adults seeking mating connections..