I BELIEVE... by Elizabeth Hipwell

I...
I be...
I beli...
I believe
I believe
I believe
At a loss
With leaden limbs
Hard to put one foot in front of another
Misplaced vim and vigor
Don't know where to start
How to construct the sentence that is my moment to shine
To be seen
A paragraph of minutes ticking by with no verb
No driving force
No action
No need to move ahead
To believe in something foreign
I believe...
In the negative self-talk
It's always with me
My constant companion
I know it
And it knows me well
I believe in a minuscule way that
I can become acquainted with an uplifting voice
One that says, "It's okay to want,
To need,
To have ambition.
To yearn for passion, joy, and truth."
I believe in the possibility,
But am terrified of the certainty.
It's easy to believe in others
To encourage
Give my time
Nurture
Love
These verbs are not easily applied towards myself
A deep and abiding fear of selfishness and cocky ego abound
Constructing that silent sentence of strong objectives
Intense follow through is challenging to the nth degree
I give into this self-loathing more often than I am willing to admit
I believe...
We are all worthy
We includes me
So I must matter too
I believe...
Life is short
We must make the most of what we've got
It's never too late
Or too soon
Kind of long in coming
My negative voices objections are quashed
They say, "It's too late for you."
I believe...
I say the mantra, "I believe..."
Over and over
Finishing the sentence with "...I am worthwhile
And have a great capacity for happiness and love."
I believe...
I believe...
I believe...
I believe...
I believe..
I believe....
I believe...
I believe...
I be...
I beli...
I be..
b...

-Elizabeth Hipwell

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT by ElizabethHipwell

As luck would have it
I had hit a dead end
Once again
Falling back into the nothingness
Of my previous wallowing
Contemplating my loneliness and fear
A failure to proceed
To do
To live
Being ungrateful to the placations
Of those who mean well
But are unable to understand,
Thinking everything can be easily fixed,
Whose motto is "All hands to the pump."
But what do they know about leaden limbs,
Brutality and pain
That wreaks havoc on the psyche
An emotional arthritis which inhibits
Walking to the pump
Let alone gripping it with all my hands
At one time I was pure and unwritten
Ripe as an apple of my eye
Whose possibilities were revered
As clean, crisp, white linen paper
Waiting with anticipation
To be imprinted
A commitment
Without the possibility of turning back
How do I go on
Wearing the weight of my written pages
"If I'd only known then what I know now."
How true that is
I coulda
Woulda
Shoulda
Done this
Done that
Can't change what has already happened
But I can learn
Prevent it from happening again
Be on the look out
One ounce of awareness
Much more valuable than an after-the-fact cure.
Being in it
Awareness of the machinations of the uncivilized and abusive
I can nip it in the bud
Put it in the rear view mirror of my mind
And move on to brighter pastures
In the bosom of the opposite of neglect.

-Elizabeth Hipwell

SCAMPER by Elizabeth Hipwell

I scamper away from the poison
Of toxic people, situations
That cause me to overdose on self-flagellation
Stemming from the fragile skeleton of my patchwork existence
Unspoken
Held in
Waiting to burst out
And paint the world with my pain
Changing to the long-awaited crispness
Of focused pain
Integrated into an open unhindered expression
Of my authentic raw self
Sorrow and content have drifted apart
Turned into a vulnerability
Directed toward deep relations
Anchored into an experience
That is owned by me.
The mysteries of human longevity
Entangled and enticing
Anticipation and patience walking hand in hand.

-Elizabeth Hipwell

TINCTURE OF TIME by Jason Townsend

Tincture of time
Changing your luck
Changing your fortune
See bad luck headed your way
Stick your hand down its throat
Be strong, be tough and
Don't give up
See your future
The way you want it to be
Don't settle for anything less
It's the tincture of time
Just let it pass
And it'll see you through
Just like your feet on the grass.

-Jason Townsend

BUDDHIST EXPERIENCE by Elizabeth Hipwell

           For as long as I can remember, and even up until this moment I have struggled with being happy. I have always been my greatest barrier to the joy that life has to offer. Consequently, I have struggled with dysfunctional relationships, abamdonment, the loss of both my parents, more than one sexual trauma, an eating disorder of overeating, suicidal ideation and attempts, loneliness, and debilitating depression with bipolar affect. Up until 2003 I thought that was my karma; that I could function and get through life without seeking help or inner change.  In that year I finally crumbled under the weight of that burden. I ended up in the hospital; my first time in a psyche ward. I lost a great amount of my friends. It was scary.

I felt splintered; like a puzzle that had to be put back together. I thought just taking my medication would make it all better. Six psyche stays later I realized that I had to participate with the meds to bring about change in my life. I took therapy more seriously and learned about boundaries, navigating healthy relationships and discovered a passion and yearning for creative pursuits. This made a difference. It enabled me to occupy my mind and develop more self-respect. I was able to pursue more physical health as well.

Another facet to my well-being was missing though. Mental health, check. Physical health, check. Spiritual health, not quite yet. I noticed during this ordeal that every time I concentrated and gave over my faith that things would be okay that they inevitably would be. This faith was inconsistent though. I needed a spiritual tool to focus my faith and trust. Fast forward to about two years ago:  I was in an art group and noticed one of the new participants, Therese Burton. My first impression was that she was happy and confident in her abilities. Lizzie sanchoshima whispered in my ear and said, “You are not worthy of being her friend, so don’t even try.” As fate would have it, about six months later we did end up being friends, and I discovered that we had a lot in common.

I brought up my interest in Buddhism about a month in to our budding friendship and from there on my life completely changed. I received my Gohonzon on March 4, 2012 after struggling with whether I was worthy again and whether I would be the ideal Buddhist. Then I remembered a Buddhist quote of Shakyamuni Buddha that I have on a magnet on my refrigerator, “A jug fills drop by drop.”  Then I reminded myself that this essentially was a commitment to me and my desire to have what I thought was out of reach: healthy relationships, companionship, overall health (physical, mental and spiritual) and a life’s purpose, a desire to live and flourish.

Shortly after receiving my Gohonzon I was asked to help form a writer’s workshop, Silent Voices, by Sheri. I had known her awhile in an art group and this enabled us to become real friends and eventually partners in every way. The workshop and the relationship took off. Silent Voices endeavored to self-publish an anthology which led to an art show fundraiser in November. We even had an article written about us in The Tribune.

Drop by drop also included challenges as I came to discover. Literally two weeks after the art show a peer devastated me by blindsiding me with accusations in front of a group of people.  Later that day my roommate at the time came from left field and kicked me out. My ego took a big bruising. My faith in myself wavered. So I did the opposite of what my old patterns were. I got down to business, I showed appreciation to all the friends that aided me in this crisis, and I made a cause to endure. This made me think of one of the Buddhist readings I had come across. I think it was THE FOUR DEPTS OF GRATITUDE. In it Nichiren Daishonin says, “C ONCERNING my present exile, there are two important matters that I must mention. One is that I feel immense joy. The reason is that this world is called the saha world, saha meaning endurance. This is why the Buddha is also called “One Who Can Endure.’”

I chose to keep going, to have faith. Sheri and I found an apartment in January and it went beyond my expectations and at a lower price than we were set on paying, larger than we expected. Everything that I pictured when I was chanting came true with a lot of extras thrown in. When we moved in we only had a few shelves and a bed. In one and a half months we have practically furnished our apartment through inexpensive and free finds on Craigslist, and generous donations from friends.

Coming here to speak with you today I realize that every day I have to overcome myself; that that is my victory every moment. When I chant I feel more secure and comfortable in attaining happiness; that I am worthy. To be truthful I almost lost my faith in putting this experience together. I spoke with my sponsor and good friend Therese and she reminded me that this Buddhism is a tool that aids me in tapping into my inner wisdom. ‘Just be truthful,’ I thought to myself. ‘Speak your truth and everything will be okay.’ Walking by my fridge last night I read another Shakyamuni Buddha quote, “He is able who thinks he is able.” This is my cause for the present and future. This is the karma I want for myself and for all of you: Believe in yourself. Commit to your happiness. This can bring about a karmic shift of momentous proportions.

Note: I am by no means trying to recruit anyone to have the same spiritual belief. It is just my own personal experience and what works for me. Thanks for reading!

-Elizabeth Hipwell

THE COLOR OF TRUTH by Sharon H.

There comes a time in life
when finally...
how long has it taken?
you are simply true to yourself.
Like breathing, you immediatly
follow your truest impulse...
and you trust that truth inside
that you finally own
without Fear.
Feel light as air
running toward the curves ahead
full force...
Not back to the life
you were born into.
No worries,
Anxiety free,
A strength
Powerful
Dangerous
Courageous....
SHE WILL BE HEARD!!

by  Sharon H. 
     

LOVE MARGIE by Margie Taylor

          On Friday, 11/16/12, my sister Diane called me and told me Mom was in the hospital and she was not doing well. I woke Jennifer up and told her I needed to get to Chicago to be with Diane and my Mom. So I packed my suitcase and Jennifer got me to the Greyhound bus station. I could not use my ticket for going to Chicago on the 27th, so Jennifer paid for a one-way ticket for me. I was supposed to take the 10:30 bus, but instead there was room on the 5:10 bus.
          The driver let me on. I kept in touch with my sister and let her know where I was late Friday night. Early Saturday, 2:00am in the morning my sister called. Mom took a turn for the worst. I told Diane we were in Indiana and we had not reached our stop yet. At 4:30am Diane called me back and told me Mom passed away. I had not made it to the hospital at my Mom's time of death.

          I am gonna miss you Mom.

          Mom I am going to miss you. Mom, you were there for me when I had my eye surgery and you were there for me when I got hit by the car. You helped wash me up when I had the cast on. You helped dress me. You were there when I graduated from Grade School. You were there when I entered High School. You were there when I graduated from High School. You were there for my wedding to Rick.

          There is something else I am going to miss about you Mom ... When I was sad I could always come and talk to you. You always listened to me. You never judged me or told me I was bad or that I shouldn't have done the things I did. You never made me feel bad.
    
          I am so happy I got to see you two and a half weeks ago. I got to hold your hand, give you a hug, kiss you and tell you that I love you. I had no idea you were going to leave me like you did.

          Mom, Diane gave me your watch and your necklace; the one that you always wore. Every time I wear the watch and necklace I will think of you.

          Yes, Mom, I am going to miss you. Some days I will cry and some days I will be happy.

          Mom, you are missed a lot.

          Thank you for being my Mom hear on Earth.

-Love Margie